Kicking off our raw and real motherhood series, we hear from Levi-Fawn, Mama of one who shares her story and her struggles with infertility after conception.
First things first, let me introduce myself..
My name is Levi-Fawn. I am a full-time tattoo artist, a psychology student working towards a degree, a small business owner and a doting wife to the most wonderful husband. I swear too much, seriously love Halloween and am currently on a path to finding my feminine power. But putting all that aside, my real journey started in 2018 when that little blue line took us by surprise and although we weren’t actively trying to fall pregnant, we are now proud parents to a feral and fierce little boy.
Little C is a whirlwind and I am completely obsessed with him. He’s so funny and so annoying at the same time, pairing his stubborn attitude with witty one-liners that make discipline almost impossible. He’s always covered in some sort of dirt or grime, is constantly hungry for snacks and loves doing anything that he isn’t meant to. A truly typical boy, and one that I love with every fibre of my being.
But nearly 5 years on and it’s still just the three of us.
I’ve watched friends and loved ones grow their family exponentially, gaining sibling after sibling for their terrorising brood and whilst I couldn’t be happier for them, I’m also left feeling overwhelmingly empty.
My husband and I have been trying for a second child for what feels like forever and the reality is, we are still no closer to giving C a brother or sister. It has been one hell of a ride, quite literally. I have tried and tested all the home remedies, the vitamin supplements, the diet changes and the lifestyle hacks to no avail and now the only thing left is medical investigation...which I was really hoping to avoid.
Secondary infertility affects 1 in 7 couples and here in the UK
There are little options for us couples who are trying for their second child, and unless you’ve got a hidden stash of cash to pay for private medical care there is no IVF. So, we try again and again and again, hoping that each new month will be different from the last.
We’re also dealing with so many unwanted comments or unnecessary expectations from outsiders. I am regularly told that my time is running out and my biological clock is ticking, or that C needs a sibling to avoid him from becoming spoilt.
I get conversations around family life are bound to happen when you see new people each day. But believe it or not, these opinions do not help. If I wasn’t already feeling deflated, it makes me feel as if I’m failing.
The female body is ultimately built to reproduce, so when it decides not to execute it’s one job…I am crushed with guilt.
Needless to say, everyone is on their own fertility journey. Whether it’s the first, second or third child you don’t know what is happening in someone’s personal life. There may be years of miscarriages or doctors’ appointments behind them and asking these personal questions with inevitably drag up some form of emotional trauma, so let’s all think before we speak about a woman’s fertility. Quite frankly the human body is so weird.
You’re told all sorts of things in sexual education classes; mainly how easy it is to fall pregnant and how teen pregnancy is rife. But the reality is, there is only a 15-25% chance of conceiving on any given month, and as you get older this probability decreases dramatically.
Of course, as with most people I just assumed I wouldn’t have any issues because C was totally different, a completely unexpected but happily received accident that I took for granted.
But here we are 3 years TTC with nothing more to show for it than a pile of negative pregnancy tests, a ton of heartache and a big “FUCK YOU” sign pointing to my empty womb (not literally because that would be quite unorthodox). It’s been tough, but we power on.
We are slowly accepting the fact that C may be an only child and to be honest it’s okay. I’ve been incredibly lucky to have conceived, grown and birthed our healthy little boy when I know some couples have never had that opportunity. And as long as I can give C a childhood full of love, a warm bed to sleep in and a tummy full of delicious food..my heart is full.
With love, Levi.